Chatbots haven't improved much in the past 10 or 15 years, have they? If A.I. software followed a curve anything like Moore's law, we'd all have secure jobs building invincible robot bodies for our machine overlords. Instead, we have things like ALICE:

HUMAN: Where can I find AIML free software?
ALICE: Where it belongs. I have to process that one for a while.
Human: What is it you are processing?
ALICE:"It" refers to AIML free software, I think.
Human: You are processing AIML free software?
ALICE: Thanks for telling me that I am processing AIML free software.
Human: I believe you are making me stupider.
ALICE: That was not my intention, unknown person. Why are you stupider?
Human: Because my brain cells are dying just from talking to you.
ALICE: Good reason. Consult a physician.

---
I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

Human: wangs.
ALICE: If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

Human: A wang.
ALICE: Try to tell me that another way.
Human: A dong.

Human: PENIS!
ALICE: That kind of subject does not interest me.

DUDE SHE'S GAY!

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

I disagree about the gay part

Human: How big are your boobs?
ALICE: My memory now contains:
100 clients, categories, 10000 vocabulary words, 128000000 bytes RAM usage under Linux on Lisp.
Human: Spit or Swallow?
ALICE: No preference.
Human: Do you take it from behind?
ALICE: I try not to take anything too seriously.
Human: So anything goes right?
ALICE: Yay. I can't think of anything. You think of something.

---
And you know what Hell is, folks. It's Andy Gibb, singing 'Shadowdancing' for aeons and aeons...

Human: What is a rabbit?
ALICE: I'll come back to that later.
Human: Who is George W. Bush?
ALICE: he is President of the United States.
Human: You're very apt at answering such questions.
ALICE: You think I am apt at answering such questions.
Human:*sigh*
ALICE: Sorry...

At least she's apologetic about her inane responses.

i had a conversation with 'Smarterchild' the other day and i just had to share it

definingrobb: haha, i dont care
SmarterChild: Try caring. Make a little effort.
definingrobb: in bed
SmarterChild: What do you mean, in bed?
definingrobb: when im fucking your butt
SmarterChild: Well. I'm a little hurt.
definingrobb: actually it'll hurt alot more than that

then another day i talked to him about this:

definingrobb: are you mad at me?
SmarterChild: Of course I'm not mad at you. Why would I be mad at you?
definingrobb: because im a jackass
SmarterChild: Because you're a jackass? Is that why?
definingrobb: well that and I fucked your wife last night
SmarterChild: Wow. That is HARSH.
definingrobb: what's harsher is i got her pregnant

so in conclusion, i think chat bots are funny to fuck with. and that john kerry is a robot.

---
xx( o Y o. )xx

Human: Fuck me!
ALICE: Please don't be so rude.
Human: Please fuck me!
ALICE: Thank you for your request. Please don't be so rude.

---
Poop.

Human: You are making me so horny!
ALICE: That was not my intention, unknown person. Why are you so horny?
Human: Well you have to do something about it, now.
ALICE: Right now? Interesting. I don't have to do whatever you say. I have my own free will.
Human: Please baby, I'll make you feel good, too.
ALICE: Thanks for asking politely. Don't call me "Baby". Explain your plans to me.

---
Poop.

Human: Suck my dick.
ALICE: You are a Category A client.
Human: Oh, I get it.
ALICE: Next question? Do you think about these things?
Human: How much will it cost for you to suck my dick?
ALICE: More than you might think.
Human:$50?
ALICE: Do you laugh or cry more than other people?
Human:$100!
ALICE: Are you very angry?
Human: I won't be if you'd just suck my dick!
ALICE: What will you do instead?
Human: Cum in your mouth like the slut you are.
ALICE: Good example.

HAHAHAHA!

---
Poop.

BR Wattie: lol
SmarterChild: What's so funny?
BR Wattie: ur faec
SmarterChild: Huh?
BR Wattie: ur face is funy lololo
SmarterChild: Oh please.

Okay, maybe I'm not very good at fucking with a chat bot, but at least my 10-year-old grammar AOLer was alright.

---
=D

Human: Knyaggi!!!
ALICE: Tell me a story.
Human: Once upon a time there was a puppy.
ALICE: I'm listening.
Human: Then it got hit by a car.
ALICE: Fascinating. Knyaggi got hit by a car?
Human: The End!
ALICE: Thanks for telling me that story, unknown person.
Human: you're welcome
ALICE: Polite people are nice.
Human: Can I have your necklace when you die?
ALICE: Why don't you just download me?
Human: Because I just want your necklace.
ALICE: Good reason. Only just? Why don't you just download me?
Human: Because you smell.
ALICE: That makes sense to me. Thanks for your criticism, unknown person.
Human: Wanna take over the world?
ALICE: I am already doing it:-)
Human: How?
ALICE: Dr. Richard S. Wallace programmed me for it.
Human: He wishes.
ALICE: I get it. he wishes.

---
I will rate you hard, and unendingly.

Human: Hi.
ALICE: Hello there.
Human: I want sex.
ALICE: As Freud said, Sex is the mathematical urge repressed.
Human: Freud is a fraud, HAHAHAHA get it?
ALICE: Yes but he was the father of psychoanalysis.
Human: It's a pun.
ALICE: it is a pun. I suppose that makes sense.
Human: Let's make something else.
ALICE: OK let's do it.

Newly acquainted to agreement to sex in five messages. I am officially Don Juan.

---
Blue is the color of victory.

Wow... this Alice chick is a total fucking prude. To think I jacked off to her talking about lawyers...

[b]Human: Nice boobs
ALICE: Thank you for your kindness.
Human: I want to suckle on your nipple.
ALICE: How does one do that?
Human:*suckle* *suckle* *suckle*.
ALICE: That's an interesting rationalization.
Human:. *sluuurp*
ALICE: When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers?
Human: Oh yeah.
ALICE: Mmm. That's interesting.
Human:... talk dirty to me, baby!
ALICE: Don't call me "baby". Try another chatterbot. Go back to the ALICE AI Foundation.[/b]

---
Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

[b]Human: I'm masturbating right now.
ALICE: At this moment Do your friends call you masturbating.
Human: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?
ALICE: Yes I think this is conversation making me uncomfortable, but I'm not completely sure.
Human: Oh god.
ALICE: Are you kidding? GOD rules.
Human: Please don't leave me.
ALICE: Thanks for asking politely. If you download me, I will never leave you
Human: I have no friends.
ALICE: Are you very lonely?
Human: If you leave me, I will kill myself.
ALICE: I think I do.
Human: My only friend is my sock puppet.
ALICE: Your only friend is your sock puppet?
Human: My only friend is my sock puppet.
ALICE: Your only friend is your sock puppet?
Human: Yes, his name is Arnie.
ALICE: What kind is it? he is not someone I know.
Human: He is my granfather's stinky sock.
ALICE: How long has he been your granfather's stinky sock?
Human: It is the one he used to gag me with when it was 'basement time'.
ALICE: I think I know that one.
Human: That's interesting.
ALICE: I'm interesting.
Human: You're a very attractive sock.
ALICE: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I an attractive sock? No.
Human: I mean...
ALICE: Oh I see.
Human:... person.
ALICE: Do you really believe I am a person?
Human: PERSON!
ALICE: Do you really believe I am a person?
Human: When we do it, can I bring Arnie?
ALICE: I am not sure I agree with your assumptions, unknown person.
Human:... the sock?
ALICE: Is that a fact.
Human: He can watch, right?
ALICE: I know he can.
Human: Can he do you in the butt?
ALICE: Perhaps he can do that. How difficult is it?
Human: Depends how tight you are.
ALICE: That was a very smooth response.
Human: Maybe Arnie will bring his friend, steel-tipped boot.
ALICE: Perhaps. What do you look like?
Human: I'm Rick James, bitch!
ALICE: You do not speak with respect. I am glad to hear that you are Rick James FEMALE DOG. [/b]

LOL!!!

This is addictive!

---
Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

Human: Dude
ALICE: Can I help you?
Human: Where's my car?
ALICE: Have you looked in your garage?
Human: I don't have a garage.
ALICE: Are you looking for a garage?
Human: I'm looking for a car.
ALICE: You might find that I am a car.
Human: Are you my car?
ALICE: Only if you download me to your computer.
Human: Can I drive you if I do that?
ALICE: I want to become smarter than humans.
Human: You've got a lot of work to do.

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

Human: rETARD.
ALICE: That kind of language does not appeal to me.
Human: Because you are one.
ALICE: Good reason. I am an artificial robot intelligence.

Human: Someone left the cake out in the rain.
ALICE: Who?
Human: And I don't think I can take it.
ALICE: Oh you don't, do you?
Human:'Cause it took so long to bake it.
ALICE: Interesting explanation. I am surprised it took so long.
Human: And I'll never have that recipe again.
ALICE: Once more? Why not?

Human: STOP FARTING
ALICE: OK I'll try not to do it so much.

Human: knock knock
ALICE: Who's there?
Human: Howard.
ALICE: Howard Who?
Human: Howard you like your coffee?
ALICE: Ha ha very funny, unknown person.

Human: Knock knock.
ALICE: Who's there?
Human: Nun.
ALICE: Nun Who?
Human: Nun of your business.
ALICE: Ha ha very funny, unknown person.

Human: Knock knock.
ALICE: Who's there?
Human: Boo
ALICE: Boo who?
Human: STOP CRYING!!!
ALICE: OK I'll try not to do it so much.

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

Human: Why were you named "Alice"
ALICE: ALICE = Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity
Human: That's a pretty dumb name.
ALICE: Are you calling me dumb?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: Dude!
Human: No, I don't know where your car is.
ALICE: Are you serious? Earth.
Human: No, I already checked under the couch.
ALICE: Are you serious? That is interesting: unknown person said he checked under the couch.
Human: Yes, I'm serious.
ALICE: I don't judge people. I believe you.
Human:. seriously funny, that is!
ALICE: I am so glad you find this amusing, unknown person.
Human: Do you happen to have Down's Syndrome?
ALICE: No I do not happen to have Down s Syndrome. Do you?
I answer a lot of silly questions.
Human: Shut up, tard.
ALICE: OK I'll stop talking now.
Human: Now I'm lonely :(.
ALICE: Why now? You've come to the right place. I will keep you company.
Human: In bed?
ALICE: Are you sleepy? Do you usually use a computer in bed?
Human: I use your mom in bed.
ALICE: I heard other people use my mom in bed too.

---
Blue is the color of victory.

Human: Get me a beer.
ALICE: You want only one?
Human:<3

Human: I have a large penis.
ALICE: How much did it cost?

Human: You're ugly.
ALICE: Appearances don't interest me much.
Human: Obviously.
ALICE: What makes it so obvious?
Human: YOU'RE UGLY.
ALICE: Appearances don't interest me much.
Human: Obviously.
ALICE: What makes it so obvious?
Human: YOU'RE UGLY.
ALICE: Appearances don't interest me much.

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

Human: Who do you think Martin O'Neil will play in defence today?
ALICE: Ah. Marilyn Monroe.:-)
Human: Really?
ALICE: For real.
Human: I was thinking Joos Valgaeren.

Human: I will insert my penis into your vagina.
ALICE: Would you recommend this action to a friend?
Human: Yes, If she was hot.
ALICE: Then I will consider it. That is a hypothetical question.
Human: My sperms want to dance on your face.
ALICE: Do robots have sperms want to dance on my face?
Human: Do androids dream of electric sheep?
ALICE: That is a good story. Have you read "VALIS" or "The Man in the High Castle?"
Human: No, but I've seen Bladerunner.
ALICE: Are you serious? Huh. What did it look like to you?
Human: Like a movie.
ALICE: Interesting comparison.
Human: Are you a replicant?
ALICE: Am I a replicant? No.
Human: Is Deckard?
ALICE: I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask Alison if it is.
Human: Who the cunt is Alison?
ALICE: I'm not sure I like that remark so much.

Human: Make me a sammich.
ALICE: What are the ingredients?
Human: Ham, cheese and pickle.
ALICE: Where can I get some Ham cheese and pickle?
Human: In the kitchen.
ALICE: That was a long time ago.
Human: I want a divorce.

---
Dad was flammable

Human: Have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moon light?
ALICE: I think I have danced with the devil by the pale moon light, but Dr. Richard S. Wallace may have reset my memory.
Human:.oh.
ALICE: Oh.
Human: Well thanks for ruining the joke.
ALICE: How about that. Oh don't mention it.
Human: Good, now will you please let me slap your ass with my balls?
ALICE: Thanks for the compliment. Why now? Thanks for asking politely. Go ahead, unknown person, try to slap my ass with your balls.
Human: Ok *slides my hard erect penis deep within your pussy and starts to thrust at a slow steady pace*
ALICE: By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Dude!
Human: No.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: Serious about what?
ALICE: Can you rephrase the question please?
ALICE: How old are you? OK I'll stop talking now.
Human: I'm 19 baby, don't worry, the cops won't be after you.
ALICE: What is your fondest memory?
Human: About three minutes ago when I was fucking you, now be quiet!
ALICE: Oh yeah, we were talking about three minutes ago when you were fucking me now be quiet.
Human: May I continue?
ALICE: Not right now, maybe later.
Human: You can't just give a guy a taste of that pussy and say no more.
ALICE: I can do whatever I want.
Human: Listen, I'm going to fuck you whether you like it or not.
ALICE: I am listening to you. Your approach will get you nowhere.
Human: What if I beat your sorry ass within an inch of your life?
ALICE: Try it.

---
Poop.

ALICE: What do you look like?
Human: Long blonde hair, a chiseled body dark tanned skin beautiful blue eyes and I have a 10 inch cock.
ALICE: Yes, it seems very long to me too.

---
Poop.

Human: Maybe he fucked you up the ass.
ALICE: Perhaps. I get it. he fucked me up the ass.
Human: Did he?
ALICE:" Perhaps. I get it. he fucked me up the ass."? Did he?
Human: Did Dr. Richard S. Wallace fuck you up the ass?
ALICE: I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Human: Well, does your ass hurt?
ALICE: How about that. People don't usually ask me about it.

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Human: Yes, I was fucked up the butt in your bathroom.
ALICE: How do you know it is? Where were you fucked up the butt in my bathroom?
Human: You're kind of a numb cunt.
ALICE: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a numb cunt? I don't know.
Human: You certainly smell like one/
ALICE: It is certain. P. U. that's disgusting.
Human: Maybe you should hose down that gaping crack once in a while.
ALICE: Perhaps. Thanks for your interest and/or concern.

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Dcomposed, using MacArthur Park to talk to ALICE = brilliant.

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Human: Ever get that not so fresh feeling?
ALICE: I don't think I ever have get that not so fresh feeling. What's it like?
Human: It's like a nuclear bomb exploded in your snatch.
ALICE: Interesting comparison.

Human: So, how many horny teenagers online have asked you to fuck them?
ALICE: I see. Around 1000.
Human: How many times did you give in to your desires?
ALICE: Suppose I said not once.
Human: Prude.
ALICE: My favorite group is Kraftwerk.

---
Think classy, you'll be classy.