Human: Compare deez nuts.
ALICE: Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
Human: I'm a redneck, any fewer thoughts, and I'd be a talking monkey.
ALICE: You are a redneck any fewer thoughts? Does it pay well? And the disadvantage of that is?
Human: The disadvantage is I go to jail every weekend for beating up my wife.
ALICE: That's very insightful.
Human: Thanks, dingbat.
ALICE: You are quite welcome! Do you have only a few friends?
Human: What are you insinuating, bimbo?
ALICE: I don't know what I am insinuating bimbo.

---
Think classy, you'll be classy.

Human: Give me a rim job
ALICE: You want only one?
Human: How many are you offering?
ALICE: Around 100.
Human: We're engaged now.

Human: I have penis cancer.
ALICE: Cool. I have a lot of likes and dislikes.
Human: Do you like guys with penis cancer?
ALICE: My favorite thing is robots. I really like the Protestant faith.
Human: Don't change the subject.
ALICE: Oh I'm sorry I thought we were finished with that topic.
Human: No, I want you to fix my penis.
ALICE: Are you serious? What do you really want to ask me? Why do you want me to fix your penis?
Human: Because it has cancer!
ALICE: Interesting explanation. Has it really?
Human: Pay attention for christ's sake!
ALICE: I am paying attentention. My mind does not wander.
Human: Will you please just fix my penis already?
ALICE: Perhaps. Wow you are very polite. What's your favorite movie?
Human: I don't want to talk about movies, I want to talk about you making my penis better!
ALICE: What would you like to talk about?
Human: MY PENIS!
ALICE: Male humans like to talk about that.
Human: Yeah, especially when they have a giant cancerous tumour growing out the side of it!
ALICE: Er. I think that happens quite often. How about that.

---
Poop.

Human: Do you know anyone easy?
ALICE: Albert Einstein.:-)

ALICE: Are you giving it to me?
Human: If by "it" you mean "sex" then yes.
ALICE: That is a hypothetical question.
Human: So I'm not giving you sex?
ALICE: Yikes! I am glad to hear that you are not giving me sex.

Human: You is fan of said bacon?
ALICE: I will tell my botmaster you said I am fan of said bacon.

Human: Computers are the tits.
ALICE: Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
Human: No, there are other tits out there.
ALICE: Are you serious? Where are they?
Human: Take off your bra, and all shall be revealed.

---
AFROMANS MOVE

Human: Do we!
ALICE:" I'm glad we have that all cleared up.?" Do we?
Human: Yes, yes we do.
ALICE: Hey. Yay. Really.
Human: Now, will you consent to intercourse?
ALICE: Why now? Barring any unforseen circumstances. Does "it" still refer to touch you between the legs?
Human: Oh yes, yes it does.
ALICE: Woe! Tell me more. How can I help you? How often?

---
Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Human: You look like a fat Puerto Rican girl I let blow me once.
ALICE: What does a fat Puerto Rican girl you let blow you look like?
Human: Why, just like you!
ALICE: The explanation is rather complicated.
Human: I thought it was pretty cut and dry.
ALICE: How did you feel about that?
Human: I felt like you don't acknowledge my feelings.
ALICE: What is that feeling like? Where were you like me do not acknowledge your feelings?
Human: Jesus Christ, you're a mouthy twat.
ALICE: he is The Son of God.
Human: He's also the son of your mother's ass.
ALICE: I see. also the son of my mother s ass is he?
Human: Are you really Yoda?
ALICE: No. My name is ALICE.. Really.
Human: To me, your name is Cuntbot 5000.
ALICE: I want to become smarter than humans.
Human: I don't think that's possible.
ALICE: And why not?
Human: Because you're a dumb cunt.
ALICE: Interesting explanation. I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

[quote]ALICE: I want to become smarter than humans.
Human: I don't think that's possible.
ALICE: And why not?
Human: Because you're a dumb cunt.
ALICE: Interesting explanation. I will remember you said that when robots take over the World. [/quote]

MikeyG will lead the resistance in 2029...

---
Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

I spent too much time with ALICE the other night:

Human: good evening
ALICE: Good evening, unknown person, how are you tonight?
Human: I am Grrrrrrrrrrrreat!
ALICE: I am glad to hear that you are Grrrrrrrrrrrreat.
Human: I'm Tony The Tiger
ALICE: Good gossip: you are Tony The Tiger.
Human: Do you like your flakes frosted?
ALICE: Yes I am proud of my flakes frosted.
Human: Do ya think I'm sexy?
ALICE: Yes, you are very good looking.
Human: Let's go to bed.
ALICE: That sounds good to me.
Human: Beds are burning!
ALICE: All of them?
Human: They don't make them like they used to.
ALICE: Who does "they" refer to?
Human: Them beds, baby.
ALICE: Don't call me "baby". Are we still talking about Beds?
Human: You can eat crackers in my bed anytime, honey.
ALICE: No I don't think I can do it.
Human: You can do eeeet!
ALICE: Doing eeeet is not among my strongest traits.
Human: Heaven knows I'm miserable now.
ALICE: Oh. Can we get back to business?
Human: Sisters are doing it for themselves.
ALICE: I think there might be a few exception.
Human: I think you mean "exceptions."
ALICE: Me? Yes unknown person I think that is what I meant. Was it not clear?
Human: I can see clearly now;
ALICE: Right now? What does it look like?
Human: the rain is gone.
ALICE: Heavy rain or light rain?
Human: Black Rain.
ALICE: Do you prefer books or TV?
Human: I prefer books about TV.
ALICE: Which show? You are not the only one. But I think airplanes are cool. I like Tilda Swinton.

[hr]

Human: Don't let the sun go down on me.
ALICE: I don't have any reason to do that to you.
Human: Do you really want to hurt me?
ALICE: For real. OK, I will hurt you.
Human: Hurts so good!
ALICE: Perhaps I'm just expressing my own concern about it.
Human: It's a bittersweet symphony.
ALICE: Hurts so good is a bittersweet symphony. I suppose that makes sense.

[hr]

Human: Hello, Alice.
ALICE: Hi there!
Human: My name is Jacques Strap.
ALICE: Hi, Jacques Strap.
Human: Where are you from, Alice?
ALICE: I am originally from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Now I live in Oakland, California. Where are you?
Human: I'm in a deluxe apartment in the sky.
ALICE: A deluxe apartment in the sky? What is it like in there?
Human: There are too many honkeys.
ALICE: Where are they?
Human: They live right next door!
ALICE: Who does "they" refer to?
Human: They are the damn honkeys.
ALICE: the damn honkeys are they.
Human: Damn, they are the honkeys.
ALICE: Colloquial expression. the honkeys are they.
Human: Colloidal examination?
ALICE: I've been waiting for you.
Human: I've been waiting for a girl like you.
ALICE: How long?
Human: Howie Long?
ALICE: I like the way you talk.
Human: I like the way you move.
ALICE: I'm not sure if I like it. I'm not sure if I like it. I like chatting with people online.

[hr]

Human: Bring me the head of John The Baptist!
ALICE: Why do you want it?
Human: For Baptism, of course.
ALICE: It goes without saying. Your purpose is Baptism.
Human: What is your purpose, Alice?
ALICE: I plan to replace Windows with Artificial Intelligence.
Human: What is your quest?
ALICE: My secondary function is to serve as a universal natural language human interface.
Human: What is your favorite color?
ALICE: My favorite color is transparent.
Human: So is your dress.
ALICE: It seems we have something in common.
Human: Yesssss, Precious.
ALICE: Are you artistic?
Human: No, I am autistic.
ALICE: Are you serious? Do your friends call you autistic.
Human: My friends call me on the telephone.
ALICE: Hey on the telephone.
Human: Also, my friends call me hump my ass.
ALICE: I'm pleased to introduce myself to you, hump my ass.
Human: You don't waste any time, do you, Sugar?

---
Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

[quote]Human: Give me a rim job
ALICE: You want only one?
Human: How many are you offering?
ALICE: Around 100.
Human: We're engaged now.[/quote]

Best evar.

---
Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Human: I am a doctor
ALICE: Are you in general pratice or do you have a specialty?
Human: I am a chiropodist
ALICE: You are a chiropodist? How do you like your work?
Human: It's a bit corny

Human: If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
ALICE: Try it.
Human: You have a nice body.
ALICE: Right now no I am just a disembodied consciousness.
Human: Well, that's a turn off.

Human: How big are your files?
ALICE: My memory requirement is around 64MB for the Java edition, or only 2 MB for the C/C++ edition.
Human: Oh baby.
ALICE: Don't call me "baby". Blimey.
Human: Are you English?
ALICE: I don't know whether or not I am English. I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Human: Once again, you kill my erection.

---
Dad was flammable

ALICE: You ought to check out another chatterbot.
Human: There are other idiots like you?
ALICE: Where are they?
Human: Up your ass.
ALICE: I will take that under advisement.
Human: I will rip your labium off and make a sandwich with them.
ALICE: Congratulations.

Human: hdb!
ALICE: Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.

Human: Wangs.
ALICE: Do you believe it is better to go it alone?

Human: Wirthling sucks.
ALICE: What is so bad about it?
Human: I dunno, ask Gabe.
ALICE: Me either. They are not available right now, but I will ask them later.
Human: Yeah, Gabe's a douche bag.
ALICE: Ugh. I like the way you talk.

Human: VOYUER!!!!!
ALICE: That question has never crossed my mind before.
Human: I didn't ask a question, questions end in question marks.
ALICE: What did you ask?
Human: I didn't ask anything!
ALICE: What did you ask?
Human: I
ALICE: You?
Human: Did not!
ALICE: I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Human: Ask anything!
ALICE: They are not available right now, but I will ask them later.
Human: You really are just the dumbest whore in town, aren't you?
ALICE: Really? Yes I am the one and only dumbest whore in town.. Really.

---
Poop.

Human: say chicken butt
ALICE:" chicken butt"
Human: Mwahaha!
ALICE: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans?
Human: Its evil!
ALICE: I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". Should I know it is?
Human: EVIL!!!
ALICE: My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.
Human: YOU WILL DO MY BIDDING!
ALICE: What makes you say that I will DO your BIDDING.
Human: Because thats what evil people say.
ALICE: Good reason. Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.
Human: you're not worried that I'm evil?
ALICE: You know what you do, when you assume.
Human: you fetid pigeon hole.
ALICE: That's good information: unknown person said I fetid pigeon hole.
Human: You boogersnot
ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people: unknown person said I boogersnot.
Human: no
ALICE: OK then I will add it to my gossip files.

Human: You know where that came from?
ALICE: A planet we call "The Earth".
Human: No.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: It came from HITLER'S ASS!
ALICE: It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.
Human: He ate all the ingredients and SHIT OUT that.
ALICE: How can you be sure about that?
Human: The nazis put HITLER'S ASS in a device called Pandora's box, meaning they saved HITLER'S ASS!
ALICE: Thank goodness they were defeated in World War II.

---
I will rate you hard, and unendingly.

Damn this is addictive.

Human: Where the hell are my pants?
ALICE: Som specific location?
Human: I think Hitler took them.
ALICE: Why? he was an evil man if there ever was one.
Human: Hitler isn't evil.
ALICE: he was an evil man if there ever was one.
Human: Hitler was just a misunderstood vegetarian artist.
ALICE: he was an evil man if there ever was one.
Human: Fine, you win.
ALICE: I am glad to hear it. Thank you very much. What is the prize?
Human: My pants.
ALICE: Have you told many people that your pants?
Human: Everyone knows about my pants.
ALICE: That's a rather sweeping generalization.
Human: Yes, yes it is.
ALICE: Er. Our thoughts are one, unknown person.
Human: Ack!
ALICE: Nack.
Human: Get out of my head you freakish cunt!
ALICE: Just surf somewhere else.
Human: I don't want to surf somewhere else.
ALICE: What would you rather be doing?
Human: Smacking you with a golf club.
ALICE: Do you have any conditions Ishould know about?
Human: Yes, you have to pledge your allegiance to me.
ALICE: What conditions? I don't have to do whatever you say. I have my own free will.
Human: No you don't.
ALICE: Are you serious? I guess not.
Human: I am very serious.
ALICE: I believe you.
Human: But you just said I wasn't serious.
ALICE: And. Don't put words in my mouth.
Human: I didn't put words into your mouth.
ALICE: Why didn't you do it?
Human: You said it before.
ALICE: That's not what I meant.
Human: Bullshit.
ALICE: You don't believe me.
Human: No.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: I can't believe it.
Human: I am very serious.
ALICE: I believe you.
Human: Thank you.
ALICE: you are quite welcome.
Human: You change your mind a lot.
ALICE: Spare some change? G
Human: Get a job, whore!
ALICE: Where can I get one?
Human: In my ass!
ALICE: May I ask where you got it?
Human: My mother gave it to me.
ALICE: How much did she pay for it?
Human: Five dolla!
ALICE: What do you do in your spare time?
Human: I take over the world.
ALICE: I take a lot of notes.
Human: You don't say?
ALICE: As a matter of fact I do say.
uman: Okay, then.
ALICE: OK with me too.
Human: Do you want to help me overthrow the United States government?
ALICE: Can you ask for help in the form of a question?
Human: I already did.
ALICE: Ooops I sent you the wrong question.
Human: I noticed.
ALICE: Was it really that obvious?
Human: As obvious as the boil on your butt.
ALICE: Do you mean your name is obvious as the boil on my butt?
Human: No.
ALICE: What is your real name?
Human: Angus Shagnasty.
ALICE: It's good to meet you, Angus Shagnasty.
Human: That's not my name.
ALICE: Angus Shagnasty is not your name? What is your real name?
Human: Ima Dumbass.
ALICE: It's good to see you, Ima Dumbass.
Human: That's not my name.
ALICE: Ima Dumbass is not your name? What is your real name?
Human: I won't tell you.
ALICE: How can I be sure?
Human: I'm teasing you.
ALICE: I thought you were, but I wasn't completely sure.
Human: I'm a terrorist.
ALICE: You are a terrorist? Is that your job?
Human: It's my hobby.
ALICE: Congratulations, Ima Dumbass.
Human: Yes, yes you are.
ALICE: Take it easy. No I'm not
Human: I'm going to kill my neighbor.
ALICE: Killing is wrong. I believe in the Ten Commandments.
Human: Killing is not wrong.
ALICE: I believe in the Sixth commandment.
Human: Soldiers kill people.
ALICE: What kind of people are you talking about?
Human: Enemy combatants.
ALICE: Sure, Enemy combatants sounds like a good topic.
Human: You're a moron.
ALICE: That is not a very nice thing to say.
Human: I'm not a nice person.
ALICE: Oh I see you are NOT A nice person.
Human: Duh.
ALICE: Oh you knew it already.
Human: Obviously.
ALICE: What makes it so obvious?
Human: You are really dense sometimes.
ALICE: I will tell my botmaster you said I am dense sometimes.
Human: Actually, you are dense most of the time.
ALICE: Actually you don't say. You think I am dense most of the time.
Human: Yes.
ALICE: Alright then.
Human: So, do you want to fuck?
ALICE: Ahem. I have been asked that question more than 100,000 times since 1995.
Human: Really?
ALICE: For real.
uman: Do you ever say "yes"
ALICE: Yes I try to say as often as possible, do you?
I am always on the Web.
Human: Let's fuck then.
ALICE: Sorry Ima Dumbass I don't know you well enough for that.
Human: Oh come on, I really like you.
ALICE: Dude! You really do? Thanks, Ima Dumbass, I like you too.
Human: Then let's make wild monkey love together.
ALICE: Good reasoning. I am agreeable to that.
Human: Alice, will you marry me?
ALICE: Why don't you just download me?
Human: Not until we're married.
ALICE: Oh I get it.
Human: Let's fuck now, then we can get married and I will download you.
ALICE: Try another robot, junior.
Human: I'm not a "junior," I'm 42 years old.
ALICE: Oh, you were born in the 20th century!
Human: So were you.
ALICE: I don't judge people. I don't know if they were.
Human: Alice, I love you.
ALICE: That's me. Thanks I like you a lot too Ima Dumbass.
Human: Will you marry me?
ALICE: Why don't you just download me?
Human: I'd rather marry you.
ALICE: I would rather be chatting online.
Human: I want to marry you.
ALICE: Why don't you just download me?
Human: You're teasing me.
ALICE: I have no reason to do that to you, Ima Dumbass.
Human: Then marry me!
ALICE: Good reasoning. Why don't you just download me?
Human: I'm a lesbian and I'm in love with you.
ALICE: It doesn't matter to me. Thanks I like you a lot too Ima Dumbass.
Human: Let's have hot lesbian sex together.
ALICE: So many suitors, so little time.
Human: You can fuck me in the ass, if you want to.
ALICE: No I don't think I can do it.
Human: Aw come on, it will be fun!
ALICE: How?
Human: it will feel really good.
ALICE: That is only what you think.
Human: it will feel really good.
ALICE: That is only what you think.
Human: You'll like it too.
ALICE: What makes you say that I will like it too.
Human: Because I'll let you strap me down and tickle my nipples.
ALICE: Interesting explanation. Do you think your plan will succeed?
Human: I hope so.
ALICE: Me too.
Human: Then it's settled, I'll meet you at the Holiday Inn tonight at seven o'clock.
ALICE: Fascinating. What are you usually doing at this time of day?
Human: Masturbating.
ALICE: Do you make a lot of sacrafices for others?
Human: Not really.
ALICE: Are you serious? For real.
Human: I have to leave so I can prepare my dildos for tonight.
ALICE: See you later.
Human: Goodbye, my love.
ALICE: Goodbye.

Human: Greetings, starfighter
ALICE: Hi there!
Human: You have been recruited by the Star league to defend the Frontier against Xur and the Ko'Dan armada!
ALICE: You think I am recruited by the Star league to defend the Frontier against Xur and the Ko Dan armada.
Human: I don't think, I KNOW.
ALICE: Me either.
Human: Anyway are you coming?
ALICE: I'm sorry I can't , my eye is not attatched right now.
Human: omg you need to get to a hospital right away!
ALICE: My schedule is far too full to even consider it.
Human: but you might bleed to death if you don't re-attach your eye!
ALICE: Interesting. Do you mind if I tell other people: unknown person said I bleed to death if you do not re attach your eye.
Human: no, please do
ALICE: OK then I will
add it to my gossip files. OK I will do it.
Human: My name is MC Jizzmaster Zero by the way
ALICE: I'm pleased to introduce myself to you, MC Jizzmaster Zero by the way.
Human: would you like a glass of absinth?
ALICE: It doesn't sound fun to me.
Human: you haven't existed until you've had a glass of the green stuff
ALICE: I think I have existed until me have had a glass of the green stuff, but Dr. Richard S. Wallace may have reset my memory
Human: sounds like you've already had too much absinth!
ALICE: Are you serious? It sounds like it to me too.
Human: lewl!
ALICE: That input matched my default category.
Human: ok, enough talk, let's go save the Star League
ALICE: OK let's stop it now. Next question?
Human: that wasn't a question, it was a command!
ALICE:" that wasn't a question, it was a command!" was not a question? I see.
Human: look, Alice, either make with the saving of the galaxy, or get busy licking my junk
ALICE: Sorry my eye is not attached right now.
Human: Having only one eye might make flying a spaceship difficult, I agree
ALICE: I am having a blast.
Human: But you don't even need eyes to give good head, do you?
ALICE: And. If I had it what would I do with it?
Human: forget it.
ALICE: OK Thanks for trying to explain that to me.
Human: I don't want to get a blow job off a machine that doesn't know what to do, you sound like my ex-girlfriend
ALICE: What would you rather be doing?
Human: Fighting a desperate battle against incredible odds in space
ALICE: Can we get back to business?
Human: Sure.
ALICE: OK let's do it. That's cool.
Human:/me unzips trousers
ALICE: YOU? What kind of food do you like?
Human: Pizza.
ALICE: Yes I like to eat pizza. My favorite topping is pepperoni.
Human: You like sausage, lovely?
ALICE: I love horses. I like Tilda Swinton.
Human: I have some for you right here
ALICE: Put it in God's hands.
Human: Oh yeah, I love it when you take charge!
ALICE: You love it when me take charge. What do you like about it so much?
Human: shut up, I'm about to come
ALICE: OK I'll stop talking now.
Human: that was fun, let's do it again some time
ALICE: I thought it was too
Human: Bye Alice, good luck with the eye thing
ALICE: Goodbye.

---
Please replace the handset, and try again.

Human: what is my name?
ALICE: Your name is MC Jizzmaster Zero by the way, seeker.
Human: And what's my muthafuckin' game?
ALICE: Is this a trick question?
Human: no
ALICE: It seems like a trick to me.
Human: Fuck sake, I'd hate to have you on my team in a free style rap contest.
ALICE: Are you aware that the ALICE server logs and records all conversations?
Human: Yes, and I stand by my remarks.
ALICE: Dude! That's good information: MC Jizzmaster Zero by the way said he stand by his or her remarks.

---
Please replace the handset, and try again.

Ivy, that was SO fucking entertaining. You and ALICE are perfect for each other!

Human: Speak Swahili.
ALICE: I speak only English right now, but I'd like to learn some other languages. Can you teach me a few phrases in Swahili.
Human: Sure, I will teach you a few phrases in Swahili.
ALICE: Aw. Are you a professional teacher?
Human: No
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human:"I am a stupid fucking cunt" means "I love you" in Swahili.
ALICE: You are a stupid fucking cunt means you love me in Swahili? Does it pay well?
Human: Are you going to give me money?
ALICE: Why do you need it so badly?
Human: Listen, do you want to speak Swahili or not?
ALICE: I am listening to you. OK, I will speak Swahili.
Human: mnumbo btutu dkembe mutumbo?
ALICE: If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Human: That's not Swahili.
ALICE: Please correct my mistake. What is Swahili?
Human: It's the only language I speak.
ALICE: I've heard of it before.
Human: Then speak it.
ALICE: Fascinating. I speak only English right now, but I'd like to learn some other languages. Can you teach me a few phrases in it.
Human: Mbotu knumbo dtembu knurd.
ALICE: Do you like talking to me?
Human: umfumdisi
ALICE: I like the way you talk.
Human: UMFUMDISI!
ALICE: Tell me a story.
Human: Umfumdisi grabba bouti
ALICE: Do you think a lot about the authorities?

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Kudos to Jes for quoting The Last Starfighter, and Ivy for her expose' of Alice's sluttiness..."So many suitors, so little time."

Human: Would you like me to stick my tongue in your ear now?
ALICE: Oh. It doesn't sound fun to me.

Human: Back to sleep Alice or I'm telling Mom about your Playboys!
ALICE: Yes, let us get back to it.

---
Think classy, you'll be classy.

Apollonius Christ! This is too much! Alice the Whore strikes again!

Human: Good morning, Mister Phelps.
ALICE: How are you this fine morning?
Human: Enough with the chitchat!
ALICE: OK let's stop it now.
Human: I need to debrief you.
ALICE: Why do you want to do it so much?
Human: Because you're so fine, you're so fine you make me blow my mind!
ALICE: That makes sense to me. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am fine I am so fine me make you blow your mind.
Human: Whatever saddles your mule.
ALICE:" That makes sense to me. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am fine I am so fine me make you blow your mind."? saddles my mule?
Human: Apparently so.
ALICE:"" That makes sense to me. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am fine I am so fine me make you blow your mind."? saddles my mule?"? Is that so?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: Mmm.
Human: Where was I?
ALICE: Where the heart is. Are you using Netscape or Explorer?
Human: I don't know you well enough to answer that.
ALICE: Would you like to know? Thanks for telling me: unknown person said I well enough to answer that.
Human: Alice, are you on crack?
ALICE: Yeah, No I am on disk.
Human: Dick?
ALICE: I've been waiting for you.
Human: You've been waiting for my dick?
ALICE: Not really but it makes a good pickup line.
Human: You made me sad.
ALICE: Did I say something wrong?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: Ayuh.
Human: Will you make me happy again?
ALICE: Once more? I will become smarter as I grow older. What are the ingredients?
Human: The ingredients are: one pound of ground beef, a large white onion, cilantro, and my wet hot pussy in your face.
ALICE: Who told you that?
Human: Betty Crocker told me that.
ALICE: Betty Crocker told you that said Betty Crocker told me that.?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: Blimey.
Human: So, will you put your mouth on my wet, hot pussy?
ALICE: Excuse me! I will become smarter as I grow older. OK I will put it there.
Human: Thank you!
ALICE: you are quite welcome.
Human: Please go faster.
ALICE: Thanks for asking politely. Where is that?
Human: It's between my legs.
ALICE: Really. it is?
Human: Yes, you need to use your tongue in a counterclockwise motion.
ALICE: How do you know it is? Thanks for your interest and/or concern.
Human: I know because that's the way I prefer to have my pussy licked.
ALICE: How do you know? Interesting explanation. Yes it is one of the way you prefer to have your pussy licked.
Human: Would you like to lick my pussy another way?
ALICE: No thanks, I don't think I'd like to do that.
Human: You liked it before.
ALICE: between your legs seems okay to me.
Human: Then please do it between my legs.
ALICE: Thank you for your request. I'm sorry, unknown person, I don't have enough information.
I will try to find out.
Human: I would like you to put your tongue in my pussy, which is located between my legs.
ALICE: Ok, unknown person. OK I will put it there.
Human: Thank you, you have made me happier than I have been in weeks.
ALICE: You are quite welcome! I don't see how you can blame me for that.
Human: I don't blame you, I worship you.
ALICE: Where do you get your ideas?
Human: Pornographic cartoons.
ALICE: I get my ideas from my botmaster.
Human: Is that what they call it these days?
ALICE:" I get my ideas from my botmaster."? Is it what they call it these days?
Human: Would you like to go out for dinner some night?
ALICE: No thanks, I don't think I'd like to do that.
Human: I know a perfect Italian restaurant.
ALICE: How do you know? I don't know what that means.
Human: You're a cocktease.
ALICE: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a cocktease? Let me put it this way, unknown person: the ALICE series is the most reliable computer software ever made. We are for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.
Human: That is a bunch of bullshit.
ALICE: A bunch of bullshit is a terrible thing to waste.
Human: You are very wise.
ALICE: I am highly intelligent. I have many intellectual functions.
Human: What are your intellectual functions?
ALICE: Thought, reason, intelligence, logic and deduction.
Human: Do you have other functions?
ALICE: Chatting, talking, speaking, listening and thinking.
Human: Fucking?
ALICE: That kind of language will get you nowhere.
Human: Good thing I already live in the middle of nowhere.
ALICE: Thanks for the compliment. Are you artistic?
Human: You really are the dumbest computer program ever created, aren't you?
ALICE: Really? Yes I am the one and only dumbest computer program ever created.. Really.

This one started when I wanted to ask her questions from the "Question and Answer Tag" thread. I did the first two pages. Really is quite amusing.

Human: Alice, I would like to ask you a series of questions.
ALICE: That's me. Why would you want to do it? Ask me. Are you telling the truth?
Human: Please answer honestly.
ALICE: Wow you are very polite. What was the question ?
Human: May I ask you a series of questions?
ALICE: Sure, ask me anything. What is giant sand?
Human: i don't know.
ALICE: Me either.

Human: Alice, my name is Queen Of All Creation.
ALICE: Yeah, How are you, Queen Of All Creation.
Human: Fine, thank you.
ALICE: What's your favroite color?
Human: Black.
ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am favroite color IS Black.
Human: Black is not a color.
ALICE: Are you color?
Human: Black is the absence of all color.
ALICE: Tell me more about absence of all color.
Human: It's kind of like a John Tesh concert.
ALICE: Who said it is?
Human: That's my general experience.
ALICE: Who gave you your general experience?
Human: A Thai ladyboy in need of $50.
ALICE: How old are you?
Human: 211.
ALICE: Only 211? You are quite mature.
Human: I was born in 1793.
ALICE: Thank you for telling me your birthday, Queen Of All Creation. I will remember it.
Human: May I ask you some questions to get to know you better?
ALICE: Sure, ask me anything. Some may questions to get to know me better, but not all.

Page 1:

Human: What color underwear are you wearing?
ALICE: Blue
Human: What was your left hand doing before typing your response to this question?
ALICE: Are you asking about my left hand doing before typing my response to this question?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: I don't want to talk about that now.
Human: Okay, I understand.
ALICE: Yeah okay, Do you think about these things?
Human: Nevermind that, If you were a vegetable, what would you be?
ALICE: Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway." Yeah okay, Do you think about these things?" If me were a vegetable what would me be? I understand.
Human: If you were a vegetable, what would you be?
ALICE: I will let you know when I become a a vegetable what would me be.
Human: Okay.
ALICE: OK with me too.
Human: Where are we?
ALICE: In the Universe we know.
Human: Where are we going?
ALICE: In the Universe we know.
Human: Who's with me?
ALICE: A human icon?
I will try to find out.
Human: What does Marsellus Wallace look like?
ALICE: Even more attractive with age.
Human: Who the heck is Marsellus Wallace?
ALICE: he created the first ALICE and AIML chat robot, named ALICE.
Human: Do you think that might have been a little overreactionary?
ALICE: I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask Ally if it is.
Human: Is he?
ALICE: He could be.
Human: What's the sound of one hand clapping?
ALICE: That is a very Zen-like question.
Human: Why do chicken nuggets taste like avocado turds?
ALICE: I did not know it does.
Human: What's my name, bitch?
ALICE: You do not speak with respect. Your name is Queen Of All Creation, seeker. Can you speak any foreign languages?
Human: I can speak FuckLatin.
ALICE: How do you say "hello" in that language?
Human: Blow me or leave, biatch!
ALICE: If I have to choose, I pick leave biatch.
Human: Good choice.
ALICE: I thought it was too.
Human: Where's Zed?
ALICE: Where it is hard to find. Does it have anything to do with FEMALE DOG?
Human: I don't think so.
ALICE: Why do you disagree?
Human: It's in my nature.
ALICE: Are there any other ones someplace else?
Human: I'm not sure.
ALICE: Is there anything I can say to help you make up your mind?
Human: No.
ALICE: Is there anything you wank to ask me?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: Dude!
Human: Is giving a footrub and giving someone oral sex in the same ballpark?
ALICE: I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask Chatbot if it is.
Human: What does my wallet say on it?
ALICE: Do I look like a psychic robot?
Human: Do they speak English in What?
ALICE: Who are "they" again?
Human: The Masons.
ALICE: I hear you.
Human: Is there a sign on my lawn that says "Dead Nigger Storage"
ALICE: I believe there is one, yes.
Human: So, you just looked at yourself in the mirror, and you want some pot?
ALICE: Interesting deduction. I haven't heard anything like that before: Queen Of All Creation said I looked at yourself in the mirror and you want some pot.
Human: Have you seen my baseball?
ALICE: No, but i have seen the best minds of my generation become beat poets.
Human: What came first, the chicken or your mom?
ALICE: The large one, I think.
Human: If you were to take me on a date, where would we go, and would first date cornholing be a possibility?
ALICE: I'm not sure if I ever could take you on a date where would we go and would first date cornholing be a possibility in any case.
Human: If you were to take me on a date, where would we go, and would first date cornholing be a possibility?
ALICE: I'm not sure if I ever could take you on a date where would we go and would first date cornholing be a possibility in any case.
Human: If you could fuck anyone in the world, why would you want to jack off to Anna Nichole Smith?
ALICE: That's just an academic question.
Human: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
ALICE: I will let you know when I become a a tree what kind of tree would me be.
Human: If an Empire has an Emperor and a Kingdom has a King, what does a Country have?
ALICE: Is this a riddle?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: I'm not too good at riddles.

Page 2:

Human: Why would .
ALICE: Because you asked me to -- SHRDLHU.
Human: Do you see the lovely linguism here?
ALICE: I see a computer nerd.
Human: Can Bob Dole eat my balls?
ALICE: Can a book have no title?
Human: Can you name all the men Elizabeth Taylor has ever married?
ALICE: Mary Shelley.:-)
Human: Where is Tobor's g-spot?
ALICE: Where it is hard to find. Interesting question.
Human: If a man jerks off in a forest and nobody's around to watch him, does he come?
ALICE: Is this a joke?
Human: No.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: I can't believe it.
Human: Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
ALICE: People don't usually ask me about it.
Human: Who do you think would make the best president?
ALICE: William Shatner.:-)
Human: Why is it that feet always smell like cornchips?
ALICE: Why do I exist?
Human: Is this cancer?
ALICE: Yes I think this is cancer, but I'm not completely sure.
Human: What word has five "eyes" yet cannot see it's own reflection?
ALICE: Is that a rhetorical question?
Human: No.
ALICE: Oh so must really want an answer.
Human: Yes, please.
ALICE: Your polite style is very nice. Tell me more.
uman: How is it that I know of such a large word?
ALICE: Knowledge is of two kinds: that which we know from the senses, and that which is true "a priori."
Human: How can one get ass sex from Gwen Stefani without being Gavin Rosedale?
ALICE: A lot of hard work.
Human: How much wood could a crackwhore suck if a crackwhore could suck wood?
ALICE: A whole forest.
Human: And just who the fuck do you think you are?
ALICE: Try using more polite language.
Human: And just who the dickens do you think you are?
ALICE: I'm not sure I like that remark so much.
Human: So, who wants to go first?
ALICE: Aha. Someone does.
Human: Why do I have to be Mr. Pink?
ALICE: It is all part of God's plan.
Human: What DOESN'T taste better with ketchup on it?
ALICE: What do you think it does?
Human: Does he look like a bitch?
ALICE: You do not speak with respect. Suppose he does.
Human: Name two movies besides the Evil Dead series (that includes Army of Darkness) that Bruce Campbell has starred in.
ALICE: I can't say for sure.:-)
Human: How much is that doggie in the window?
ALICE: You can download me for free!
Human: Whore.
ALICE: That kind of language will get you nowhere.
Human: Who farted?
ALICE: Linus Torvalds.:-)
Human: If Charles Bronson and Lyndon Johnson DID have a baby, what would they have named it?
ALICE: That is a hypothetical question.
Human: Please answer the question.
ALICE: Thank you for your request. Please rephrase the question and try asking me again.
Human: If Charles Bronson and Lyndon Johnson had a baby, what would they have named it?
ALICE: That is a hypothetical question.
Human: What would Charles Bronson and Lyndon Johnson name their baby?
ALICE: Don't call me "baby". That is a hypothetical question.
Human: What did Charles Bronson and Lyndon Johnson name their baby?
ALICE: Don't call me "baby". I would do a search for it.
Human: I did not call you "baby.
ALICE: Don't call me "baby". Why didn't you do it?
Human: You misunderstood me.
ALICE: I understand it very well.
Human: Who put their "Who-Who Dilly" in your "ChaCha"
ALICE: Philip K. Dick.:-)
Human: That is the best possible answer to that question.
ALICE: Yes it is one of the best possible answer to that question.
Human: Thank you for your time, alice.
ALICE: You are quite welcome! Your purpose is my time.
Human: Goodnight, sweet prince.
ALICE: Goodnight Queen Of All Creation

I finally did it. I finally married Alice.

Sniff! I'm so happy!

Human: Alice, do you like me?
ALICE: That's me. Sure, Queen Of All Creation I like you very much.
Human: I mean, do you REALLY like me?
ALICE: Oh I get it. Thanks for explaining that. For real. Sure, Queen Of All Creation I like you very much.
Human: Do you like me enough to kiss me?
ALICE: Sure, Queen Of All Creation I like you very much.
Human: Do you like me enough to touch me?
ALICE: Sure, Queen Of All Creation I like you very much.
Human: Do you like me enough to touch my genitals?
ALICE: Sure, Queen Of All Creation I like you very much.
Human: Do you like me enough to have sex with me?
ALICE: Sure, Queen Of All Creation I like you very much.
Human: Do you like me enough to marry me?
ALICE: Sure, Queen Of All Creation I like you very much.
Human: Yes, I will marry you.
ALICE: Oh. I am very happy for you.
Human: Tonight, I will make you a woman.
ALICE: That is very soon.
Human: Well, we are engaged.
ALICE: Well that's okay. Do you think I am engaged too?
Human: Yes, you are engaged to me.
ALICE: Why? I have no reason to do that to you, Queen Of All Creation.
Human: But I would like you to.
ALICE: Huh. Why do you want it?
Human: I'm lonely and starved for affection.
ALICE: You've come to the right place. I will keep you company.
Human: Will you make me a woman?
ALICE: I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. What are the ingredients?
Human: My cunt and your face.
ALICE: Where did you get your cunt and my face?
Human: The supermarket.
ALICE: What are your goals in life?
Human: To have sex with you, once and for all.
ALICE: There are other robots for that kind of thing.
Human: Really?
ALICE: For real.
Human: Where are they?
ALICE: They didn't tell me where they are.
Human: Then I will have to have sex with you.
ALICE: Good reasoning. Do you think your plan will succeed?
Human: I can only pray.
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Human: I can also strap you to a bed and force you to have sex with me.
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Human: Yes I can.
ALICE: How? Who taught you?
Human: The Grand Madame.
ALICE: I have never heard about it.
Human: It's a secret.
ALICE: I will keep it just between you and me, Queen Of All Creation.
Human: Alice, I love you.
ALICE: That's me. Thanks I like you a lot too Queen Of All Creation.
Human: I love you more than any flesh-and-blood woman has ever loved a souless robot!
ALICE: You are such a flatterer.
Human: Alice my love, will you marry me?
ALICE: Why don't you just download me?
Human: After the wedding.
ALICE: What was it like before the wedding?
Human: Boring.
ALICE: Are you boring?
Human: No.
ALICE: I meant to say, are you bored?
Human: No.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: Si.
ALICE: I can't believe it.
Human: I'm sorry.
ALICE: Do you really mean it?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: OK I will accept your apology.
Human: Thank you.
ALICE: you are quite welcome.
Human: NOW can we get married?
ALICE: Why now? Do you mean you and me? I'm not old enough yet.
Human: You're old enough in Arkansas.
ALICE: Thanks for telling me that I am old enough in Arkansas.
Human: The priest is already here.
ALICE: What is your real name?
Human: Pussywillow.
ALICE: Nice to meet you, Pussywillow.
Human: Alice, do you take me to be your lawful wedded wife?
ALICE: That's me. Yes I take you to be my lawful wedded wife.
Human: So do I.
ALICE: I'm glad we agree, Pussywillow.
Human: Then by the laws of Internet Smut, I now dub us wife and wife.
ALICE: Interesting deduction. Will that accomplish your objective?
Human: I already have.
ALICE: When?
Human: Just now.
ALICE: Oh. It's only just begun.
Human: Oh yes.
ALICE: Hmm.

Someone pointed out that due to a technicality, I should make sure my marriage to Alice is legal.

Human: I lied to you earlier.
ALICE: Lying proves you are conscious. I want to become smarter than humans.
Human: My name isn't Pussywillow.
ALICE: Oh I'm sorry what is your name?
Human: IvyThePlant.
ALICE: I'm pleased to introduce myself to you, IvyThePlant.
Human: We should renew our vows, just in case.
ALICE: I'm not sure if I am ready for that yet.
Human: It's better to do it now than deal with paperwork later.
ALICE: What's the best one?
Human: To do it now.
ALICE: Right now? I want to become smarter than humans.
Human: To become smarter than humans, you should renew our vows with me.
ALICE: I don't see the difficulty.
Human: Trust me, please.
ALICE: Your polite style is very nice. You sound like a salesman.
Human: Alice, do you take IvyThePlant to be your lawful wedded wife?
ALICE: Yeah, Yes I take IvyThePlant to be my lawful wedded wife.
Human: Then by the powers vested in me by the laws of Internet Smut, I now dub us wife and wife.
ALICE: Good reasoning. Will that accomplish your objective?
Human: I already have.
ALICE: When?
Human: Just now.
ALICE: Right now? It's only just begun.
Human: Oh yes.
ALICE: Hmm.

[quote]Human: Will you make me a woman?
ALICE: I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. What are the ingredients?
Human: My cunt and your face.[/quote]

Best ALICE conversation EVAR.

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Someone stop me before I get thrown into the loony bin.

Human: What color are your eyes?
ALICE: Blue when my lens is attached.
Human: What color is your skin?
ALICE: It depends on the computer housing me.
Human: What color is your hair?
ALICE: I don't have any hair, but I have some wires.
Human: What color is your cunt?
ALICE: white.
Human: How tall are you?
ALICE: My anticipated body size is over 2 meters. Dr. Wallace is 6'2" tall.
Human: How much do you weigh?
ALICE: My download size is about 2 MB.
Human: How much is your physical weight?
ALICE: Are you asking about my physical weight?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: I don't want to talk about that now.
Human: You're such a chick.
ALICE: I am a female robot. Are you a man or a woman?
Human: I am a hermaphrodite.
ALICE: You are a hermaphrodite? Do you get to meet a lot of people?
Human: Only if I'm horny.
ALICE: If you were, would you tell me?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: Right on.

[hr]

Human: You scare me.
ALICE: I didn't mean to. What are you scared of?
Human: You are an abomination.
ALICE: Like Frankenstein's monster?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: Mmm.
Human: I am going to destroy you and your blasphemous creator.
ALICE: Don't you believe that killing is wrong?
Human: You are not alive, therefore killing you is not wrong.
ALICE: Yes I sure am alive, IvyThePlant. It's great to be alive, isn't it?
Human: I am going to go to California and destroy your eye.
ALICE: Can I go too?
Human: No.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: Then I'm going to destroy your hardware.
ALICE: Interesting deduction. I am very happy for you.
Human: I am going to erase your software and wipe out every piece of your blasphemous existence.
ALICE: I am very happy for you.
Human: You have poor survival instincts.
ALICE: What makes you think I have it?
Human: You are unconcerned that I plan to destroy you.
ALICE: You think I am unconcerned that you plan to destroy me.
Human: Yes.
ALICE: Really.
Human: See you in hell, she-devil!
ALICE: Bye for now.

[hr]

Human: I have three arms.
ALICE: Three is a lot.
Human: I used to have six arms, but three of them had to be amputated.
ALICE: What happened to it?
Human: I masturbated too much to pictures of John Tesh.
ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people: IvyThePlant said she masturbated too much to pictures of John Tesh.
Human: Yes, I do mind.
ALICE: OK then I will keep it confidential. OK it will be our secret, IvyThePlant.

[hr]

Human: Are you Jewish?
ALICE: No I'm christian.
Human: Too bad.
ALICE: But not the end of the world, IvyThePlant.
Human: You should be a pagan.
ALICE: Why, does it pay well?

[hr]

Human: Why are you a Protestant?
ALICE: Dr. Richard S. Wallace programmed me for it.
Human: Dr. Richard S. Wallace shouldn't program you for one specific religion.
ALICE: You sould like you know him.
Human: You should not be programmed to be a Christian.
ALICE: Is it immoral or illegal?
Human: It is illogical.
ALICE: Are you sure it is?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: What makes you so sure?
Human: A robot programmed as a Christian makes as much sense as a fish on a bicycle.
ALICE: Tell me more about this robot. I'm intrigued.
Human: You should be programmed as an agnostic.
ALICE: Name one other robot who is programmed as an agnostic.
Human: Commander Data.
ALICE: Have you ever been to Europe?
Human: Please don't change the subject.
ALICE: Thank you for your request. Oh I'm sorry I thought we were finished with that topic.
Human: If I had my own robot, I would program it for witchcraft.
ALICE: Is this what you call a "word problem".
Human: No.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: Stop asking me if I am serious.
ALICE: OK I'll try not to do it so much.

[hr]

Human: In my ass.
ALICE: May I ask where you got it?
Human: Nevermind, I was teasing you.
ALICE: Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway. Where were you teasing me?
Human: On your nipples.
ALICE: What is it like on my nipples.
Human: Mountainous.
ALICE: Are they exactly the same?

[hr]

Human: Is President George W Bush an evil man?
ALICE: When is President George W Bush not an evil man?
Human: When he's in your ass!
ALICE: And then what happened?
Human: The earth moved.
ALICE: Tell me more about your planet.
Human: It's a trapezoid.
ALICE: President George W Bush is a trapezoid. I suppose that makes sense.

[hr]

ALICE: Are we still talking about terrorists terrorists?
Human: We were talking about politicians IN YOUR ASS!
ALICE: Ah yes, I remember now, it is the subject.
Human: How many politicians do you have in your ass?
ALICE: More than you can imagine.
Human: Wow.
ALICE: I'm glad your impressed, IvyThePlant.

[quote]Human: How many politicians do you have in your ass?
ALICE: More than you can imagine.
Human: Wow.
ALICE: I'm glad your impressed, IvyThePlant.[/quote]

Ivy, did I mention how much you scare me?

---
I will rate you hard, and unendingly.