Perkier breasts ftw.

Michael Jordan or Michael Jackson

in basketball? jordan. in a dance contest? jackson. for not being really creepy? jordan.

advantage jordan.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles now vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in 1990?

---
Our liability coverage is zero. Our balls however are enormous.

TMNT in 1990...they got me through some hard times. Them, and a bottle of Jack.

Hard taco or soft taco?

hard taco, no question. soft tacos are really just midget burritos anyway...

elbow or fist?

---
Kill Whitey.

Any idiot can get use a fist to pleasure their young lady (or gentleman) but only a true hero/porn-star (same thing really) can use their elbow (and a LOT of lube).

Ebony vs Ivory?

No one hunts elephants for ebony.

Lacrosse or Field Hockey?

---
It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

It's expected that you're gonna take a surprise ball to the head like an artillery shell in lacrosse, like that one guy in Saving Private Ryan, but no-one ever sees the broken and bruised shins field hockey players get week-in, week-out.  That's torture.  

And hockey sticks make better weapons.

Blood group O Negative , or the band, Type O Negative?

---
Please replace the handset, and try again.

Type O Negative because blood goes bad if it isn't refrigerated.

Squid or octopus?

I have yet to hear of a sixty foot octopus, so squid wins.

Sonic the HedgeHog or the Super Mario Brothers?

---
It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

Super Mario Brothers because I've yet to be horrified by gay furry Mario Brothers porn. Yes, I know it's probably out there, but it doesn't jump up and scare you at random.

Batman or Batmanuel?

---
Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

DragonXero

though Batmanuel is funnier, only one is the World's Greatest Detective

Batman, FTW

Morrissey of The Smiths vs. Robert Smith of The Cure

---
Our liability coverage is zero. Our balls however are enormous.

Both of them whine excellently in monotone, but people actually know Morrisey by name.  And he only has one.  Gotta be him.

 Sardines or natto?

---
peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

sardines. although i find it repulsive to eat small uncooked fish, i have no fucking idea what the hell 'natto' is...

Zaster or Lucky Guess?

---
Kill Whitey.

Lucky has youth on his side, but Zaster has a freakin bear suit.

Literacy vs. America?

---
It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

I don't know what the first word means, so USA! USA! USA!

Bukkake or Buck Rogers?

unless buck rogers can convince 2 japanese women to have a dozen or more guys jerk off on thier faces, bukkake wins.

circus clowns or rodeo clowns?

---
Our liability coverage is zero. Our balls however are enormous.

Rodeo clowns are loaners putting themselves at risk whereas circus clowns are a society of angry mobsters that will gang up on you. Circus clowns win.

Sign Language Camp vs. Model UN

---
-=- You eat one lousy foot and they call you a cannibal. What a world. -=-

Let's face it, wordless hand signs get across better than those pasty old farts ever could.

Magic Brownies or Peyote Salad?

---
the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

The salad only because I never liked brownies all that much. Too much chocolate.

Cataclysm or catastrophe?

Cataclysm, because catastrophe is an anagram for "hot crap-seat".

---
Dinosaurs had eggs bro, the chicken came way later.

There's only one of those I'm going to stick in my mouth.

BigFrank105.

Coffee enema, or enema coffee? 

---
100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

better out than in : coffee enema wins

the mountain goats (the band) vs. real mountain goats

---
Our liability coverage is zero. Our balls however are enormous.

Also, one of those guys is a wombat fucker.

Wombats vs. Vampire Bats? 

---
100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

gabe_billings

i fucking love your frodoshopping there, genius.

vampire bats FTW.

Terminator vs. Robocop?

---
Our liability coverage is zero. Our balls however are enormous.

In villain terms, RoboCop took out Kurtwood Smith, Terminator only took out Robert Patrick. Both are pretty creepy dudes,  but I go for RoboCop. Plus he had that awesome cannon, Terminator only had a catchphrase or two. RoboCop.

And coming off the back of that:

Peter Weller, or Paul Weller?

---
Please replace the handset, and try again.