Many of my fellow Americans have no doubt heard of a distant and exotic land called "Canada". Many misconceptions surround this largely unexplored expanse of hostile, frigid tundra. Many of you perhaps believe that Canadians just walk around in flannel shirts and suspenders all day whistling Celine Dion tunes. For the most part, this is true. But there is a dark side, an untrustworthy "something about them" which cannot be ignored.

For example, did you know that most "Canadian bacon" is not even made from real Canadians?

And in Canada, there is no sun for six months out of every year. That Canadians thrive in such darkness says much about the national character.

Mysterious masses of frigid air bear down on us from the Great White North each winter, creating icy havok on our bridges and roads. The Canadian government consistently refuses to address this issue.

Canadians don't celebrate the 4th of July. Hmmm...

Apologists are always ready with facile explanations for each of these startling facts. Still, they add up to an alarming picture. And here is the kicker... there could be a Canadian in your very midst and you might not even realize it. This is because they have the ability to seem almost normal when it suits them. But then when your back is turned they will start speaking French or forming into sketch comedy troups.

In conclusion, I do not trust Canada and feel that it should probably be ejected from the union.

Thank you.

---
"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"