On Friday, I'll be leaving for a week of vacation in Idaho (my in-laws live there for some reason). If I don't return, it probably means that I have been brainwashed and have joined a whitetrash-supremacist militia up there. If I should happen to die fighting for the Independent Nation of Honkeytopia, here is my last will and testament:

To ObiJo, I leave my collection of "Clinton/Gore in '96!" campaign buttons.

To Gabe Billings, I leave this: "Bone-toker!"

To everyone else, I leave my bitter cynicism. Please split it up evenly amongst yourselves. There's plenty to go around.

Enjoy.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Some warning signs that you might be succumbing to the redneck brainwashing...

1 - Someone calls you "Leroy", and you answer them.

2 - You begin to have trouble remembering which is your gun and which is your penis.

3 - While visiting a zoo, you become dizzy with all the animals standing around waiting to be shot at.

4 - You start to think that, when buying a new car, gun-rack capacity is far more important than fuel efficiency or ease of parking.

5 - You start to believe that the three main food groups are chilli, beer, and jerky.

6 - You develop a liking for pointy white hoods.

7 - Your close female relatives begin to look very attractive.

8 - You can't help thinking that a road sign without any bullet holes just doesn't look right.

9 - You find yourself dreaming of buying your very own isolated one-room log cabin.

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10 - 'Manifesto' enters your vocabulary.

Thanks for the Clinton/Gore buttons. If I remember right, they're the ones Clinton made up so that when you tilt them the girl's clothes fall off.

Come back safely and remember: you can take the boy out of Idaho, but you can never take the Idaho out of the boy. It will always be part of you. Always.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

I thought the quote was "You can take the boy out of Idaho, but you can't the the Idaho boy out of the back of a goat without him putting up a helluva fight."

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

Have a good trip, nipplehead. If at all possible, try to fall off of something high. Or get eaten by a bear.

Or fall off of something high onto a bear. That'd work too.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

That's not how we say it in Idaho. ;)

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.